Chapter from my book ‘Love in Vain’
My Rock & Roll Marriage with a Musical Genius

“I want to be free always!” That was the first thing he said to me moments after our first kiss in the tram in Amsterdam. Little did I know what that meant at the time. I just assumed that we were not going to have a relationship and that we were just going to have some fun during my short stay in Holland. So I said, “Sure babe, fine with me”

Love , oh beautiful mesmerizing all consuming, breathtaking, addictive, mind blowing Love. Where has thou been all my life? And now that I found thee at last, I’d like to cherish your angelic face and caress your sweet and tender lips and smother you with kisses and take your hand eternally in mine and hold you ever so tight against my body, igniting a fire as high as the tallest mountains burning up humanity as a whole, to warm up even the sun and the galaxies into an everlasting bliss. I want to touch you in unknown places, bring out the dark to incinerate in my light. I want to show you to the world and hide you at the same time in my deepest caves never to be found by a long lost soul and lock you in a golden cage and throw away the key into the deep dark blue ocean forever lost.

I saw him for the first time six years ago on stage during a Blues Festival in the Caribbean, as a fellow musician, singer-songwriter and always wondered what had happened to him. There was a tiny spark at the time and when we met again last month in the Netherlands, during my short stay, the spark was still there. And yesterday we kissed for the first time and made sweet love. He told me he got married and that he got a burn-out that lasted one and a half year. He just got divorced. Our bond was deep and intense. And I knew it was going to be difficult for both of us to let each other go. No wonder he told me that wanted to be “free“. To protect himself and me too I guess.

As if he already felt the golden bars of my imagination touching his skin. What does that even mean? I thought to myself before I went to sleep, staring at the ceiling, feeling his slender body touching mine.
Freedom! What is freedom? When is one truly free? am I free? I always thought I was, with my rebellious youth, experienced not even that long ago. Or so it seems. However, I never felt the need to make a statement about it. So I guess I was intrigued about this person lying next to me, whom I just made passionate Love to and who so boldly needed to declare his freedom to me.

And I could ask myself what is wrong with him? But maybe a better and even more fascinating question would be what is wrong with society, with the rest of the world, that teaches us that one must stop exploring any further our sexuality, and our sexual encounters with others once we declared our love to a dearly beloved. That it even is a sin, that needs to be condemned and punished, to have outspoken sexual desires for someone else, whether it’s a man or a woman or a shemale or something else or even many others, from within the confinement of a committed  relationship. Which is a direct opposite to the freedom to express oneself on all levels of existence.
Who are we to declare, that Love is limited to only one person for life. when life itself is eternal. It is our human right to be free to choose who we want to be at all times during our short stay on this beautiful planet. It takes a lot of courage and strength and trust, to stand for your freedom and conquer the world with all the possible, undesirable and sometimes even deadly consequences, because of harsh and severe judgments, from an unenlightened community where survival still thrives over freedom.

These are concepts still forming in my mind. It all sounds very enlightened and even logical, theoretically, and yet, I can feel my whole humanness protesting and opposing this idea with every fiber of my body, when it comes, too close for comfort. I can totally see the truth in it when looking at it from a distance. But to actually accept and act upon it and live by these evolved standards seems almost impossible to me.

And I know we have some examples from the past in the sixties where, during the hippie movement, everybody was “free to love” everybody at the same time. Supporting their believes with slogans on banners of love and peace, meant to promote and inspire the rest of the world, that this, is the way to go. “Make Love not war”, was their famous slogan at the time. Creating Oneness vs Separateness. I see films with happy stoned faces, crawling all over each other at Music festivals like Woodstock, the most famous one. But did it really work? And if it did, why did it stop? Or did it?

It seems to me that, it also took a lot of drugs for many, to numb the rules that society laid upon them, and they on themselves as well, on how to behave when it comes to Love and making Love, to someone and then another and yet another. To love many in a row or even all at once in ever expanding, never ending orgies. And was it really love? Or just a lustful driven endeavor to live out our sexual fantasies. Breaking free from taboos around sex, usually limited to the one and only, Love of your Life. Where infidelity is the greatest betrayal in a Marriage. Harshly judged and usually followed by an immediate and painful divorce due to the lack of Love and understanding of both the traitor and the betrayed. Vanished are the promises to Love each other till death. And all this drama arises, because we believe that Love is limited and only reserved for, the One. And when we choose to experience the all encompassing Love that we are, with another, it must mean, that whatever we feel for the one, we want to spend the rest of our lives with, is not Love. We claim freedom to be our birthright, but build thick impenetrable walls around us of judgement and deceit. Who are we fooling? Just because we can see the bird flying in the sky, through the iron bars of our own unconscious prison, doesn’t mean, we are free.

What is freedom really? Is it knowing, that we always have a choice in life? Even choosing Life when looking in the eyes of death? Is that what we call a spontaneous remission? Do more choices make you happier. Or is this the main cause of anxiety, especially among the young people in our world today, who are overwhelmed with more possibilities than they can phantom? And thus doing nothing and then getting more and more depressed, sulking in the emptiness of being nothing more than yesterdays post on social media. Comparing yourself to all the fake personalities pretending to know what they want and going for it, with more and more bright and pimped up pictures to show the world how fantastic their life is and all the pretty photoshopped people in it. Making everyone else feel like a total boring loser. Is freedom only reserved for the bold and daring?

What about those who feel stuck and paralyzed in the dense mud of self doubt, self loathing, lack of self worth and self confidence, watching the world of endless possibilities racing by in front of them, unreachable from their self destructive state of mind and self fulfilling prophecy of being a failure. Is the degree of free-ness determined by how many choices you have? The more choices, the freer?

Is it determined by how many women or men you can have without commitment to any one of them? Is this the freedom my lover is wanting? Well, it is none of my concern. Soon I will return to my Island in the Caribbean and probably never ever see him again.
But I was mistaken.

The Human Painting —>

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