Love at first sight

Chapter from my book ‘Love in Vain’
My Rock & Rollercoaster Marriage with a Musical Genius

The Music divine
An Angel falling from the sky
My heart is on fire

The first time we met was about twelve years ago on the island called Curaçao, a tiny speck in the Caribbean sea where I grew up and spent most of my lifetime. I remember it so clearly as if it was only a moment ago. I was out with my friends and my much younger lover at the time. It was the first time I learned about Cougars. And I don’t mean the wild animal. Well maybe only in the figurative sense. But I mean women Cougars, you know, something to do with the age gap between them and their lovers. I don’t mean pedophiles of course. And also not that big of a difference in age. I do have my limit of max fifteen years age difference any younger and I would feel like making out with one of my sons. Not cool. I would hang my head in shame to even allow such a horrendous sliver of a thought in my existence. Even though to me, age is just another phenomenon that belongs to the lineair world of duality, the realm of time, that does not really exist. Age in this dimension, has no other use than, to describe the character you have invented for the purpose to experience a very short mortal life in a setting called earth. A lower density planet to accommodate high vibrational spiritual beings, creating a low vibrational human experience. But our soul is ageless, timeless and immortal. But right now in my adventure as a human being, my vehicle, my body is getting older every year. But somehow my soul is not aware of it and still feels like a newborn stallion, uh, I mean mare running wild. It helps that my hair is long for this particular fantasy, in which I shake my manes. But to return back to earth, we were talking about age.

It’s just that most men from my own age are looking so much older than the image my mind presents when I think about the man or lover of my dreams. But I do have a limit and that is maximum 15 years younger. Any younger and he could be my son. There I draw the line.

Desire

Desire is such a strange thing. I mean, where does it come from? Does it come from the heart or the mind? How and when is it formed. Does it already take form during our childhood? Does it have anything to do with my dad? Or my mother? Or some uncle I liked? Maybe it is genetic. Or could I have developed it during my past lifes and is it part of my Akashic record? Like my favorite food in this lifetime. It wouldn’t even surprise me if it is trauma related, also called trauma bonding. This could also be an ingredient as to how our desires are formed during our lives. Little did I know, at the time, that I would soon become an expert in trauma bonding. Anyway, back to my story.

God the creator of Light

So we went to a small café to see some live music as part of the Annual Blues festival going on at different locations. The place was almost empty while the music was fantastic. The night progressed and it started to become a little bit more crowded. We we’re having a great time and immensely enjoyed the high quality live music from abroad and the entrance was free. Live concerts with foreign musicians happen only sporadically on our small island in the sun, where nothing ever happens.

The stage was cleared for the next solo act while everybody was talking at the same time during the short intermission. They were so busy talking with each other that nobody noticed this shy young looking boyish man coming on the stage. A tall Dutch guy with long blond hair touching his shoulders and brown golden eyes, wearing a worn out jeans with boots and a white wide open blouse showing his naked hairless chest, carrying his guitar like it was part of his body. He sat down, looked around and smiled shyly. And that’s when it happened.

Oh, my god that smile swept me of my feet and flew me right into heaven without dying. Never feeling more alive. I fell in love with him right then and there before he even played one single note. He was all that I ever dreamed of. A Mirage in the desert. An Angel that fell from the sky into my arms. Well, not yet. And if the whole world around me would have been swallowed by Moby Dick all at once, I wouldn’t have blinked an eye, for my whole life, all that was important, was right in front of me. He looked so young but was a man in every way. My human angel with a bright shining halo around his head, by the creator of the light.

Well not THE creator off course, although I wanted to believe it was God, but I have to admit, that the spotlight he sat in, was created by another God, the God of artificial light called Philips.
But nonetheless it helped my angelic fantasy a bit.

When he started to play the blues, something happened to the environment. All of his body became one with his music, shaking his blond manes like his life depended on it. He looked like he was completely in trance, driven by an unseen force of nature. He was so present and yet far away. And his voice was, I don’t know, I just cannot describe it, but it went straight to my heart, igniting into an eternal flame, impossible to extinguish ever. It must have been the arrow of his colleague Angel named Cupid, that struck me straight through my essence.
I was glued to my chair, mesmerized, and no drugs could make me feel any higher, than I felt in that moment. I didn’t know how to laugh and cry at the same time but I did it anyway. I felt the happiest human being alive and hoped I would never wake up from this delicious dream. All that happened afterwards was blurry to me, for I was so drunk, drunk of love.
I saw him talking to one of my friends, who invited him to an after party at his house. And he accepted. I don’t believe I talked to him that night, my body was just all mushy and it took all of my energy to keep it all together. Everything was out of control except for my smile from ear to ear looking at him from a safe distance. I felt like a teenager crazy in love with her idol. I wanted to say “I love you” from a distance, but my tongue was like a rubber duck, stuck somewhere at the back of my mouth. I didn’t want to stare at him, so I tried my best to ignore him the rest of the evening, although I could feel his every move behind my back.

Afterparty!

Almost everybody got drunk and stoned and I couldn’t recall much of the party until somehow we ended up driving, with my lover at the wheel and me sitting next to him and guess who, in the back? Yesss indeed! How it exactly happened I don’t remember, but here we were, the three of us in the Volvo. We were going to drop him off at his hotel. He was so drunk and telling silly jokes. And suddenly I felt his lips upon my shoulder. Oh my god, was he really kissing me? He took my arm and started kissing my hand, I could feel his tender lips touching my skin and his tongue gliding upwards. And it tickled, but felt so good that I didn’t want to take my hand away. We were both together in a heavenly cocoon, completely shut off from the rest of the world. But alas, not so. I giggled like a girl and suddenly the car came to an abrupt stop.
Brusquely awakened and back on earth, I looked at my other lover’s angry face. “Get out, both of you!” He looked so funny that I couldn’t stop laughing. Or maybe it was the nerves that hit me. I always get a laughing fit in very serious situations. I just can’t help myself in such a moment. It must be the nerves. Especially when I’m stoned as well. Ralph, that was his name, got out stumbling over his own feet. I didn’t want go after him. Something held me back. Was it remorse to my FWB, I did not want to hurt him? Or was it fear to loose control. Fear to loose my heart? Or maybe fear to loose my mind? Who knows. He also was so drunk, that he probably would fall into a coma as soon as he hit the bed. My mind was racing to make a decision, the right decision. And I chose the known. The security of what I had. Was not ready to give it up for what probably would turn into a one night stand. He would go back to his Country and I would never see him again. All these contemplations went trough my mind in just a couple of seconds. There he stood, my Fata Morgana. I wanted to kiss him, but before I had a chance to say goodbye, the car took off with rapid speed, leaving him standing on the deserted street in the middle of nowhere. He was gone, just like that, Out of my life, forever!
Or so I thought at the time.

Life goes on

In the meantime I started a successful Bed & Breakfast in the Caribbean on my own, saw my lover every week for 5 years of and on, almost died of an acute appendix, went back to my ex, the father of our two boys  and separated again after a month realizing my big mistake, only to make another huge error immediately after that, by getting pregnant from another ex for whom I left my first ex. (Don’t go back to your ex, there was a reason that he is your ex!) And after many promises to quit his coke addiction (Never belief an addict!) I finally decided to leave him again and have an abortion. Not long thereafter I met someone without addictions this time but instead showing strange and fearful compulsive behavior, after months of living together. My life was a complete mess.
And then I decided, I’ve had enough of men and relationships. It was time for a change of scenery and stay alone for a while. I never stayed alone for more than three months. And it was about time to have such an experience of being single long term. The B&B was doing very well, and I loved doing it too. But I needed a new challenge. And so I went to Holland, the land where I was born. Country of the wooden shoes and tulips and much more opportunities than my tiny little island had. And the place where he was living. I wondered what had become of him. I Left my booming B&B in the care of my trusted friend, doing the bookings myself, online from abroad. I was ready to try to make some other dreams come true, that I’ve cherished for a long time.
I knew I would meet him again someday, I could feel it in my gut.